The Real Deal

I have not written anything for the last few days but I have been writing in my head. I consider this to be valid, because any writer has to do a lot of thinking about writing in addition to the actual act of writing, or putting words to the page, virtual or otherwise. I stopped working on the screenplay, because I basically got stuck. Couldn't think of what part needed to be amended, or left out altogether, or focused on, so I just set the screenplay aside for the time being. I picked up one of my old, oft-rejected short stories. I have never put all those stories onto this computer, and frankly, the idea of putting them out there for Kindle has been sort of seductive, so I thought I would at least get them onto this computer, and in the process give them a freshening. That is exactly what I thought I was doing with this short story, except.... I got stuck with it, too.

This is a story that has had many very "nice" rejections. In other words, editors have made lots of comments along with their rejections. This story has also been workshopped, critiqued, whatever else a thing like this can go through. I have always sort of liked this story. It has elements in it that I have wished to see in print. Oh well.....

It has also been set aside for the time being.

And so... I am back to thinking about the "endless novel." We have watched a few war movies lately. That has me thinking about it. And I started reading 33 MONTHS AS A POW IN STALAG LUFT III by Albert P. Clark, which has me thinking again about it, as well. I have not gone so far as to actually get it out and dust it off, re-read it or whatever, but I am definitely headed in that direction. The thing is, I have put so much work into this novel. It is 90% done. I re-read it about a year ago, made some minor changes, and found it to have a lot of merit, surprisingly so. A really good writer friend of mine has read it and also found it to have merit -- she gave me some excellent feedback. I really would like to finish it. In fact, it's one of my biggest desires, to finish this novel.

Thing is, I don't know if it will find a publisher. I think fear is inching it's way into this project, insidiously. I am not certain about that at all. But I have been in contact with my "old" editor recently, and so I'm thinking maybe I should just go ahead, on faith, and finish this damned novel. It probably wouldn't take but a couple of months, if I really put my nose to the proverbial grindstone and got after it. I have the backing of my sweetheart -- he says he supports me 100 percent. I have the research material right here, a few feet from my desk. I have new insights into the plot, or character motivations anyway. Why not? It's one of the things I have set my sights on actually doing, completing it. Before I die. My bucket list. Whatever.... I've been talking about it for ten years now at least. Why not go for it? Finish the goddammed thing!!!

I truly think this is the REAL deal. The thing I SHOULD be working on. It's the place all this other superficial writing has been leading me. I truly think that I am a novelist above and beyond anything else. I truly think it's time to put myself on the line with this. Why not? What is the holdup? What new and profound excuse can I come up with now for not going ahead with this almost-finished novel? What better place to work than where I am now, in the peace and quiet of these lovely mountains? What else can I say or do to keep me FROM doing this, completing this? What?

I even think it might be the best thing I've ever written. It has certainly been the most challenging. And the interruptions. The set-backs. Losing a marriage, losing a life, losing a son, changing my whole entire lifestyle, my path. God, what hasn't happened to keep me from doing THIS? But it is time now. Excuses are becoming tired and oh so lame. Not even I believe them anymore.

(In a whisper...) Onward ..... (Yes, I CAN do this, by God!)

Onward (with conviction) ......