Merry @&%$*)$*#& Christmas!

The party over the weekend went off well. Ended up with 22, which was the headcount the last time we had one of these shindigs. One of my cousins who lives nearby didn't come, and I missed seeing him. And the mother of my grandson, along with my grandson, was a no-show. She waited until the party was underway to send a cryptic email. It really did put a damper on the whole thing for me.

As I age I see why the holidays are so stressful. There has to be someway to offset the accompanying depression. Maybe the answer is to downplay the whole season. Part of what happens is the memories of past Christmases, which are probably enhanced by distance, rise up and beckon. When I try to remember which were the best holidays, the ones that come to me are from my childhood primarily, or from the childhood of my own children, and these are circumstances that are impossible to replicate. I'm ready to start new traditions. Or do away with traditions altogether. I admit to being caught in the trap of feeling down again this year.

Most of it comes from the situation with my younger son. The whole thing has been exacerbated by having this party. It was a risk I knew existed way back in the spring when I began the planning of it. I thought that I could nip it from the beginning when my dear, well-meaning aunt mentioned how wonderful it would be to see this particular son again. I told her that would not happen. As much as I love him, I will not invite someone who threatens me with physical harm to come to my home. Now, one of my cousins wants to know how to contact my son, and I don't want to answer. I think I will confront it head-on and tell them the truth.

That part was all written two weeks ago, when I was still feeling spurned and fragile. I've had time to readjust myself and get over it, but I am really tired of Christmas, and it's not even here yet. It seems to go on forever nowadays, with so many families split apart by divorce or mere extension. I've already attended two additional parties since the one with my family: my old buddies from Yorktown gave one, which was lowkey by comparison to the big family shindigs, and the SO's family gathering, which happened at his brother's house. I found myself, about halfway through the last one, wishing to just be home watching football, or something as mundane.

I like my everyday life. It satisfies me. I don't need a holiday to remind me of how good things are for me. I'm grateful every day. We are to have one more minor gathering on Christmas eve during the day. Then that night, we have decided to head off to the movie, just the two of us, to see "True Grit." The current version is supposed to more closely resemble the TRUE GRIT book than did the one back yonder starring John Wayne, basically, as John Wayne. Never was a fan. Still am not fond of one-note actors. We will head for the mountains next Tuesday. Yea! Can't wait.

Onward ....