Making New Memories, What?

The Christmas blues are upon me. It's starting to affect my every day life. We have had way WAY too much of it this year, too many houseguests, too many gatherings, just too much period. I'm ready for life to get back to normal, calmer, less stress, less cooking, less have-tos, less. We have one more thing, and then it's over. I'll be taking down all the decorations probably by Christmas Day night.

And isn't it just pitiful that it isn't even officially Christmas yet and I already feel this way? What has happened to us that we make ourselves insane with all this STUFF that is supposed to be fun? Part of the trouble, I think, is this "memory" thing we humans have in our brains. I want to make new memories, but it's hard to let go of the old memories, and I still feel all the old demands even though they really aren't there anymore. Unless I make them be there, which I have a habit of doing. More and more, I think ignoring the holidays sounds like a good idea. Or at the very least, doing something COMPLETELY different, like booking a cruise, or taking a road trip. Wouldn't it be nice to spend Christmas in a B&B somewhere like Ireland, where the traditions are their own, and where we would be forced to think outside the box, as they say? Next year, we plan to go to the cabin early and spend Christmas there. I think that sounds wonderful.

The children's book I wrote earlier this year has come back form-rejected from yet another publisher. Guess it isn't as outstanding and original as I thought. Also guess credentials don't mean much. I'm surprised by the form rejections. I'm also surprised by how long it takes to get a response. Publishing has certainly changed since the 90s. If I had someone who could illustrate the book, I swear, I would self-publish the damned thing.

This little book has been a sort of tipping my toe in, testing the water again. And I don't like the chill I'm feeling. It doesn't do much to make me want to finish the endless novel, that's for sure. Yet, I have been contacted by two readers in the past month who had just read one of my books and wanted to get in touch. Both felt moved enough to write to me, and that just shows me that the kind of books I have written and would like to write again, are not out of style. I think it's the publisher's who get it wrong, but then, I've had that opinion for a long long time.

Onward .....

Merry @&%$*)$*#& Christmas!

The party over the weekend went off well. Ended up with 22, which was the headcount the last time we had one of these shindigs. One of my cousins who lives nearby didn't come, and I missed seeing him. And the mother of my grandson, along with my grandson, was a no-show. She waited until the party was underway to send a cryptic email. It really did put a damper on the whole thing for me.

As I age I see why the holidays are so stressful. There has to be someway to offset the accompanying depression. Maybe the answer is to downplay the whole season. Part of what happens is the memories of past Christmases, which are probably enhanced by distance, rise up and beckon. When I try to remember which were the best holidays, the ones that come to me are from my childhood primarily, or from the childhood of my own children, and these are circumstances that are impossible to replicate. I'm ready to start new traditions. Or do away with traditions altogether. I admit to being caught in the trap of feeling down again this year.

Most of it comes from the situation with my younger son. The whole thing has been exacerbated by having this party. It was a risk I knew existed way back in the spring when I began the planning of it. I thought that I could nip it from the beginning when my dear, well-meaning aunt mentioned how wonderful it would be to see this particular son again. I told her that would not happen. As much as I love him, I will not invite someone who threatens me with physical harm to come to my home. Now, one of my cousins wants to know how to contact my son, and I don't want to answer. I think I will confront it head-on and tell them the truth.

That part was all written two weeks ago, when I was still feeling spurned and fragile. I've had time to readjust myself and get over it, but I am really tired of Christmas, and it's not even here yet. It seems to go on forever nowadays, with so many families split apart by divorce or mere extension. I've already attended two additional parties since the one with my family: my old buddies from Yorktown gave one, which was lowkey by comparison to the big family shindigs, and the SO's family gathering, which happened at his brother's house. I found myself, about halfway through the last one, wishing to just be home watching football, or something as mundane.

I like my everyday life. It satisfies me. I don't need a holiday to remind me of how good things are for me. I'm grateful every day. We are to have one more minor gathering on Christmas eve during the day. Then that night, we have decided to head off to the movie, just the two of us, to see "True Grit." The current version is supposed to more closely resemble the TRUE GRIT book than did the one back yonder starring John Wayne, basically, as John Wayne. Never was a fan. Still am not fond of one-note actors. We will head for the mountains next Tuesday. Yea! Can't wait.

Onward ....

Well, Really ....

OK, I have realized after rereading the last post, that I use the word 'really' way too much. I'm going to work on that. It's easy to get into bad habits with language. Not as easy to get out of them.

Tomorrow my son and his partner, and my brother will arrive for the big family party on Saturday. Some of the ones who live far away have backed out. I don't blame them. The weather is foul in the parts of the country where they would be coming from, and I would hate for somebody I care about to get hurt trying to get here. We will miss them, but so be it. I'm starting to get excited now about seeing everybody. Not that I wasn't excited before, but I faced a lot of 'have-tos' this week and I needed to get through them all. Just about done with the last thing, cleaning the house, and I will be ready for company by noon tomorrow when they begin to arrive.

My dear SO has been so helpful and patient with me. He's come now to understand the frenzy I get into when I've got this stuff going on, people coming to visit, wanting everything to be perfect. I am trying not to be quite so uptight but I'm not sure I'm doing a great job of it.

On a lighter note: I went to the pet store earlier this week to get some replacement fish for the aquarium. My pleco had suddenly died, although he was never a particularly healthy one compared to others I've had in the past. He wasn't growing for one thing, and plecos are notorious growers! While I was there I got a few danios to round out the tank. Had lots of room for more fish. These are kind of lime-yellow and very active. Anyway, once I got them home, the dog discovered them. She had never paid a bit of attention to the tank before, but all day long she sat in front of it, just staring in fascination. Problem was the spot where she laid blocked the way for the kitty to go upstairs to his food bowl and litter box, so after several tolerant hours, he finally had enough of her there, and ran at her all puffed up and hissy. It always scares her when he does that, so she moved. But she continued later to stare at the "swimming lizards" in the tank. It was kind of cute. Today, she's back to ignoring the fish.

We moved the desk from the SO's old place out to the guest room across the garage. As soon as this week is through, I'm moving some of my work from upstairs out there, like the endless novel, for one thing. After having read my friend's manuscript, I'm gassed up about writing again.

Onward .....

The Coast, The Holidays, The Mountains

Waiting on a norther this morning. It was supposed to have arrived last night around midnight, but here it is, 7:00 am and it hasn't got here yet.

We went down to the Coast on Friday, just spent one night, but we went over to our favorite eating place, sat out on the back patio, had raw oysters and shrimp nachos, a few beers, and watched the pier lights play on the calm bay water. Reflections rippled as the sun went down. There's a part of me that really loathes the thought of giving that up, but we have made up our minds to do it, and sort of spread the word that our place was for sale if there were any interested parties around. We payed a visit to the people who bought the other trailer down there. They seem thrilled with their bargain and have really moved in well, made friends. They're the type who will participate in all the community activities that we never did.

Read DOWN RIVER by John Hart. He's a good writer, and there were some parts of this book I really liked, but I think I'm just not really a great mystery reader. This was a second book with this main character, and maybe I should have read the first one, but I really had a hard time finding a character I really liked. My SO, however, accused me of being hypercritical and unable to enjoy a work of fiction. He's partly right. Anyway, he obviously liked the book more than I did. Maybe it's written for a male reader, I don't know. I swear, I just don't think I'll ever have my finger on the pulse of what's a bestseller and what's not.

On the other hand, I did enjoy the silly movie we watched last night, "Prince of Persia, the Sands of Time." It was outlandish, but I had tried once to play the video game, so I saw the cleverness of how they had incorporated the various levels and obstacles into the storyline. Still, it was just another movie made for 14-year-old boys. That's simply how it is nowadays.

We cleaned up the garage and hung the outside Christmas lights. Today we will do the tree. I've already been busy all week getting the house ready for the big party next Saturday. What seemed like a great idea last May is now almost overwhelming me. I have no idea where we're going to PUT 33 people in this house. A friend is loaning me two card tables. Without them, I can seat at most 16 to a table, or 22 total. About 8 or 9 of the 33 will be kids, which has pretty much knocked my SO off his beam. Neither of us is really big on kids, but what do you do -- say No Kids. Of course not. And since these are all my cousins, I think I'll feel differently about this particular bunch of kids. My SO only says he's anxious to meet my brother, but hopefully he will enjoy himself as best he can in this kind of loaded situation. Maybe I shouldn't have put him through all this. But as he has himself said, I've "suffered through" many family gatherings of his, both here and at other places. Truth is, though, it hasn't been suffering for me. I enjoy socializing more than he does.

We have decided to go to the mountains right after Christmas. Our original intention was to spend New Year's at the Coast one last time, but we are both champing at the bit to get back to the cabin. And his granddaughter and her boyfriend are going to join us there. They won't to go skiing. Ah, to be that young ....

Onward.