Malaise, or Yearning for a Change of Scenery

Malaise: a general feeling of discomfort, illness, or uneasiness whose exact cause is difficult to identify. 


In other words "in a funk." That's where I seem to find myself. I haven't even wanted to blog or felt I had anything to say, this blue funk has been so heavily upon me. It began with the house in New Mexico, putting in the offer first, then not getting accepted second. I was starting to kind of come out of it when we left for a long weekend in DC to see the boys. But while we were there, here came an email from the people who own the house, dangling the possibility that they would consider selling it after all. The man's health is bad. I think the woman really wants to sell but he thinks he might get better, and they adore the place. I understand their dilemma, but they got my hopes up all over again.

After we were back home, I decided to talk to the mortgage company who holds our house here, just to see what we would be talking about on a monthly basis for that house up there. Well, it was way more than I had hoped. We could put up a bigger down payment and get the monthly payment down, but I'm not enthusiastic about letting go of so much liquid cash. I told the loan officer to close down the deal. And anyway, the people with the house seemed to be waffling again. But now I find myself feeling the blues over all this again. Dammit!

There's the problem of Daddy with this whole idea of finding a place there. I really doubt I could go off and leave him with him at his age and in his health condition. Not that he's terrible. He really isn't at all. His mind is sound, which is a big thing, but arthritis and kidney disease often lay him low. His hearing is rapidly failing. He'll be 86 next birthday, and I really feel like we are the only social life he has, which is his own fault. He's not like my SO's mom, who stays active in garden club and church, keeps in touch with old friends and family. Daddy has almost purposely let go of all his old friends, has turned down efforts made by possible new friends, and just generally sits alone in his house with his dog, or sits out in the yard with his dog and a beer or two. The conundrum is that I feel obligated to him, and yes, resentful about it, too, I'll admit. I'm no spring chicken myself, and wonder how long I can keep "punching the hold button" as my SO puts it, on my own life. I feel that I've already wasted a lot of precious years, and don't relish wasting many more. Sigh!

So, I find myself with this malaise. Unhappy with circumstances. It's kind of a habit of mine. I need to let it go but it's not always easy. Life is short. I have so many things yet that I want to do. I think a change of scenery, permanently, would do me a world of good. I might even feel inspired to write again. Ya think?

Onward ....