The Real Deal

I have not written anything for the last few days but I have been writing in my head. I consider this to be valid, because any writer has to do a lot of thinking about writing in addition to the actual act of writing, or putting words to the page, virtual or otherwise. I stopped working on the screenplay, because I basically got stuck. Couldn't think of what part needed to be amended, or left out altogether, or focused on, so I just set the screenplay aside for the time being. I picked up one of my old, oft-rejected short stories. I have never put all those stories onto this computer, and frankly, the idea of putting them out there for Kindle has been sort of seductive, so I thought I would at least get them onto this computer, and in the process give them a freshening. That is exactly what I thought I was doing with this short story, except.... I got stuck with it, too.

This is a story that has had many very "nice" rejections. In other words, editors have made lots of comments along with their rejections. This story has also been workshopped, critiqued, whatever else a thing like this can go through. I have always sort of liked this story. It has elements in it that I have wished to see in print. Oh well.....

It has also been set aside for the time being.

And so... I am back to thinking about the "endless novel." We have watched a few war movies lately. That has me thinking about it. And I started reading 33 MONTHS AS A POW IN STALAG LUFT III by Albert P. Clark, which has me thinking again about it, as well. I have not gone so far as to actually get it out and dust it off, re-read it or whatever, but I am definitely headed in that direction. The thing is, I have put so much work into this novel. It is 90% done. I re-read it about a year ago, made some minor changes, and found it to have a lot of merit, surprisingly so. A really good writer friend of mine has read it and also found it to have merit -- she gave me some excellent feedback. I really would like to finish it. In fact, it's one of my biggest desires, to finish this novel.

Thing is, I don't know if it will find a publisher. I think fear is inching it's way into this project, insidiously. I am not certain about that at all. But I have been in contact with my "old" editor recently, and so I'm thinking maybe I should just go ahead, on faith, and finish this damned novel. It probably wouldn't take but a couple of months, if I really put my nose to the proverbial grindstone and got after it. I have the backing of my sweetheart -- he says he supports me 100 percent. I have the research material right here, a few feet from my desk. I have new insights into the plot, or character motivations anyway. Why not? It's one of the things I have set my sights on actually doing, completing it. Before I die. My bucket list. Whatever.... I've been talking about it for ten years now at least. Why not go for it? Finish the goddammed thing!!!

I truly think this is the REAL deal. The thing I SHOULD be working on. It's the place all this other superficial writing has been leading me. I truly think that I am a novelist above and beyond anything else. I truly think it's time to put myself on the line with this. Why not? What is the holdup? What new and profound excuse can I come up with now for not going ahead with this almost-finished novel? What better place to work than where I am now, in the peace and quiet of these lovely mountains? What else can I say or do to keep me FROM doing this, completing this? What?

I even think it might be the best thing I've ever written. It has certainly been the most challenging. And the interruptions. The set-backs. Losing a marriage, losing a life, losing a son, changing my whole entire lifestyle, my path. God, what hasn't happened to keep me from doing THIS? But it is time now. Excuses are becoming tired and oh so lame. Not even I believe them anymore.

(In a whisper...) Onward ..... (Yes, I CAN do this, by God!)

Onward (with conviction) ......

Homesick in Denver

Tired and ready to head home. I guess I really am good for about 7 days away from home, and then I start getting homesick. Been this way almost all of my life. There's just no other place I love as much as my home, wherever it may be. In my adult life I have moved a total of 24 times. Some of those places never really became home. Wasn't there long enough, particularly in the Air Force years with my second ex. But just about any time I park myself somewhere for more than a few months, my internal homing instinct kicks in, and that place becomes the place where I belong. When I go away from it, after about 7 days I start to feel like a fish out of water, and begin to get testy.

That's where I am today. Testy and ready to depart. I think the dog feels just about the same way as I do. And really, I know the SO is also ready to go home. He's tired, not enjoying the market this morning, and was already talking about leaving as soon as it closes tomorrow, which is noonish. We will check out of this hotel in the morning before we go over to the Trade Mart, and leave from there as soon as humanly possible.

We stayed out too late last night. And I had one too many glasses of wine. My stomach's upset from it today, so I left before noon and brought the dog back to the room. We also ran into one of his "old buddies" -- yet another one I don't particularly like -- and got the same old "stories I could tell" routine. I'm just not sure what people are thinking when they make those sorts of statements. Certainly not about the way it makes the person it's directed at feel. It seems to be more of one-upsman-thing, like they're saying, "I know things you don't, nany nany boo-boo." I just said, "I've heard the old stories," and let it go at that, but it does get tiresome.

Still dealing with issues with this script of LILY. I have found some things in it that really are unacceptable to me. At the present moment I'm of the mindset that if some particulars cannot be changed, then I would rather not have my name attached. And of course, that would mean that a good bit of this thing would have to be changed or else they will have to just forget it altogether. The bait they dangle is $$$$ -- and I will admit that I'm not immune to it completely. But money has never been my primary motivator, and I don't want it to be now either. I would hate for there to have been a movie made of any one of my books that would make me feel ashamed. The way this script is right now, I think I would feel that way. So there it is. Probably the same dilemma all writers face when dealing with Hollywood. They just don't think the same way we do. In fact, it's such a huge disconnect that I don't even know if it can be bridged.

Yesterday, I went to a local mall here. I'd been there on other trips up here for market. While I was there, I found an Apple store. Needed a replacement battery for this laptop. The old battery has got to where it will not hold a charge for more than about 30 minutes. So I bought a new one, and while I was waiting for the ticket to be rang up, I perused the software shelf. There was a new version of Final Draft, which is a screenwriting program for Mac. I had an old version back before USB ports, etc. It's kind of pricey so I didn't buy it but I certainly was tempted. I really would love to try my hand at doing the LILY screenplay. I've read two different ones by two different screenwriters, now, and I just really think I could do a better job, stay truer to the book, and still have a slicker version of the story than either one of these writers have managed to do. I do understand how difficult it is to get something made, especially a story like this one that is historical in nature, has animals, and no CG! But I still don't think it has to be necessary to sell out the story. Sigh!

Onward ....