A Rough Week & Sweet Moments

It's been a rough week with the cat. He has his good moments, those that give hope. He was doing so well at the beginning of the week that we were even planning how we would take him with us when we go back to the mountains in June. Now, on Thursday, we see that the likelihood of him still being alive then is slim.

Last night was a particularly difficult one. I may have slept three hours. There was a big storm, with heat lightning but not much rain, and it seemed somehow portentous. I didn't even know if the cat would be with me in the morning. He seemed so agitated, restless, a fire in his eyes. He really didn't sleep well with me there beside him, and I have decided not to do that again. He doesn't want much affection, but still enjoys outside and being in the same room with the rest of us. He seems disoriented, and often even a little goofy. My SO talked to the vet this morning and she explained that his kidneys are not processing the toxins and that's what is causing the behavior changes and poor appetite. I think after the long weekend is over, we are going to be faced with making that hard choice.

And WHY, you might ask, don't you just go ahead and have him put to sleep since it's inevitable and the whole ordeal is such an emotional strain? My answer is that he has been my good companion for 14 years and he deserves to live every minute that it is possible for him to live and be comfortable. He still enjoys going outside and watching the birds. And yesterday he jumped up and caught a grasshopper. Those moments keep me from putting him down just yet. As long as he is like this, I think he deserves his last days. However, he is obviously the center of our thoughts and decisions right now so I am unable to blog about much else. 


Yes, it is stressful, and even sad, but in a way, this time is a parting, too, a way of saying goodbye. My heart still breaks but not with the intensity of the first days. I can see now that when it appears to be too much for him, I will do what I have to do. I opened a Dove caramel this afternoon and the message inside was "Be Fearless." That also seemed like a foretelling. I will be with him when he takes his final breath. And we have already decided to have him cremated. I've been planning the people who will get all the accoutrement this cat has acquired through his years. Probably the homeless animal shelter can use the litter boxes and condos, the beds and bowls. There are many of all of these things. And they are spread among four different locations. This was a well-traveled cat. Just in the last year he has been to New Mexico, Colorado, and Arizona. Some people I know haven't gone that far or to that many places. He surprised me with how well he adapted. In the end, he mainly just cared about being with me, wherever I happened to be. And so I will be with him, as well, when he faces his final journey.


Onward ....