Hard Decisions & Pointless Worry

Well, we are back from Texas. It was a busy trip and I am glad -- so glad -- to be back home in the mountains. Highlights of the trip were: a good visit with my SO's granddaughter. A nice dinner with Daddy. An overnight trip to the Valley and dinner with my aunt and uncle who live there. We sold my SO's place on the Coast, but not before we had one night with old friends at Oysterfest. Spent a good afternoon with my grandson. Had my identity stolen and am still dealing with the consequences of that. And we caught up with our new widow-friend and played all afternoon with her sweet pets.

While we were down there we started trying to make some hard decisions about what we want to do about our living arrangements when we're there. Me, I would rather we didn't have to go down there so often, but that's unrealistic. Things just get crazy when we're there. I seem to do a lot more worrying down there than I do here. In fact, I had one major anger meltdown night when I got maybe three hours of sleep. I won't go into the whole reason for the meltdown but it has to do with a lot of self-pity and feelings of being cast out into the cold. As for my SO, he has conflicting feelings about his old family homeplace there. It holds a lot of memories for him, particularly of the son he lost last year, but it also causes him pain and anguish as well. We bicker a lot when we're there, which I hate like hell. But it's because of the issues both of us have to deal with that make it, on the whole, an unpleasant trip.

But back to living arrangements. Presently, we are bunking in the Salem, our 28 foot travel trailer. It is cramped and takes a constant effort to keep it clean and organized. We have too much STUFF there, and no place to put it all. There is an old mobile home on the place, and we sort of use it as auxiliary storage. We use the ancient dryer that still works as well, after multiple trips to the laundromat in town -- ugh. This mobile home has been my SO's go-to place off and on throughout his life, a sort of stop-gap place to live whenever his life has taken drastic turns. It is a 1973 model that has outlived it usefulness. There are gapping holes in the floor, pink insulation falling out from the bottom, bathroom fixtures that are in appalling conditions. It's dark and dusty, and simply worn out. He has thoughts of trying to fix up the place to make it livable, but I would be miserable in that place without practically rebuilding it from the ground up. I am for having it hauled off and reusing the space where it sits with a newer something -- either another mobile home or a park model trailer, something that isn't too costly but will provide pleasant enough shelter for us to use the few weeks a year that we come down. Right now, I feel homeless when we are there.

The day I had my grandson, he and I went to an RV dealer and looked around. I looked at a new park model trailer that was twice the size of the Salem. It had wood floors, an extra large slide-out, lounge chairs, a closet for a stack laundry, ceiling fans. It would still be a bit cramped, but seemed roomy after a week in the Salem. Also, they gave me a trade-in price for the Salem that brought the cost of the park model way down to reasonable levels.

When I came back with all this information, my SO hit the ceiling. He scolded me for even thinking about spending so much money when I am soon to be unemployed. It was not a fun discussion and we both came away from it feeling resentful. Also, contrite and uneasy with each other for a few days.

The following Friday, we made a trip into Victoria for a birthday gift for his brother, who was turning 50 the next day. I didn't realize my SO had other things in mind, too. He stopped at an RV place where he had previous dealings and we looked at a used 5th wheel. The price was about the same as the new park model, but I didn't think the 5th wheel was anywhere near as spacious. The people said that they would take the Salem on consignment, also not as good as the deal the Corpus Christi RV dealer had offered. On consignment, we might get more for the Salem, but it would not be instant and we would not get the break on the purchase price of the 5th wheel.

We drove on down a few blocks to a mobile home dealer. They had a very small cabin-style mobile home sitting out front. We asked to look at it. The price was in the same range as the 5th wheel and the park model, but this thing was tiny. A queen size bed would not have fit in the single bedroom. The saleslady then took us to their back lot where they had a lot of government issue FEMA mobile homes that have never been lived in and are in the process of being fitted out for sale to the general public.

Several months ago we watched a piece on television about the 3,000 FEMA mobile homes sitting in storage on a lot in Hope, Arkansas. These trailers had been purchased for Hurricane Katrina victims and then never delivered for one reason or another. The one we looked at was plain, adequate kitchen space, linoleum floors, a single, though large, bathroom, three smallish bedrooms, nice size laundry area, and roomy front room. It was 14 by 60 feet with central heat and air, and was only $4000 more than the tiny cabin model they had displayed out in front of their office. The price included delivery and set-up. Fourteen by sixty seemed like a mansion to me after living in the Salem for two weeks. We have enough furniture in storage and in the basement here to practically furnish the entire thing. Would have to buy some living room stuff, but that is basically IT. We agreed to think about this, wait and see what happens with the company I partly own in Corpus, and do the research needed to learn about how to dispose of the old, worn-out mobile home already on the land.

Oh, how life throws changes at us. And decisions that need to be made. We can only just hope we're making the rights ones and go about our business. I don't like to be having to make such big decisions at this time of my life, though. I had always imagined I would be settled someplace by now, with lots of security, writing the great American novel, no worries. I never dreamed I would have an elderly father taking up a lot of my thoughts, or contemplating the purchase of a mobile home for God's sake, or living in the mountains of northern New Mexico wondering how in the hell I'm going to afford all of this without a viable income. I guess I need to learn to roll a bit more. Flexibility has been my strong trait. But then endless worry gets you nowhere either. I have a big ugly fever blister on my mouth as a result of pointless worry.

On the upside, I've sold a few blouses this week. And the Kindle sales on The Passion of Dellie O'Barr are surprisingly good. So all is not doom and gloom. We have a party at the Lodge this Saturday to look forward to, and lunch today with some friends in LV. My SO's granddaughter is coming to stay with us in May, and we are bringing my grandson back with us after the next Texas trip in June. I guess my SO is right when he says that things have a way of working themselves out. I just need to settle down and see what happens next. And be happy, as the silly old song goes.

Onward .....

A Walking Stick

We were sitting in the hot tub just before dark yesterday, when I spotted a walking stick (Diapheromera femorata) on the nearby Norfolk Island pine. It was easily 8 inches long. We both said it was the biggest one we had ever seen. My SO splashed up some water from the hot tub and it immediately went into hiding, scurrying to the underside of a lower limb. I commented that if I didn't know it was there, I wouldn't have been able to see it. Great camouflage.

Hurricane Alex has cooled the temperature for us. There's another tropical system already making its way through the Gulf towards us. We got 5 inches of rain out of Alex but could always use more. We try hard not to complain about rain when we get it, since we don't know when the next rain might come -- went 23 months without a drop in 08 and 09. Everything is green and lush this year. Looks like a totally different place, but we have had some unusual insects, and plenty of them, to go along with the wet.

We took my dad to the Coast with us this past weekend for the 4th of July. It created a lot of work for me, and I didn't have as good of a time as I'd hoped. I've come to like it down there best when it's just us: SO, me, the dog, and the cat, our little family. I found myself getting tense and irritable, trying to keep Daddy occupied. He's so easily bored, has become slovenly in his old age, difficult, disorganized, and unappreciative. I also think he's depressed, although he would never admit it. He dwells on the past almost constantly, and comes out with what I consider inappropriate statements an awful lot. He's sort of lecherous, truth told, ogling young girls and making frequent sexual references. I wonder if this is common in elderly men. It bothers me. I try to ignore it, but it really has changed the way I feel about him and I don't like that. As I said to my SO, "I want my strong, calm, charismatic Daddy back." I'm uncertain about this one I seem to have now, don't know how to deal with him. People constantly tell me how lucky I am to still have my dad around, but I'm not always so certain of that. It's definitely a life transition I'm watching him go through. It's not always easy to temper my own response to that.

Meanwhile, we're gearing up for another long RV trip to the mountains. I'm looking forward to it, but with mixed feelings, a little nervous about the animals getting along for an extended time in close confines. They made it through the Big Bend trip OK, and hopefully will this time as well. But the cat has become more aggressive towards the dog lately, and I don't know exactly why. She's intimidated by him and it affects her sunny personality. I had hoped that after two years of living together they would get along better, but there's too much "sibling rivalry" between them. I supposed this is probably the best it will ever be, and I partially understand that the dog is much bigger so the cat feels the need to constantly remind her that he's boss, especially when it come to his mommy! But we have to manage their togetherness, my SO and me, constantly on alert and doing our damnedest to keep them separated.

I'm taking along the laptop this time, so will try to do better about posting here.

Onward ....