Final Doubts

It's always hard for me to bring myself to sit down and read anything I'm writing from start to finish. For one thing, the vision I have of whatever I'm working on is always so much more than what seems to make it onto the page. The story line seems more poignant, the climax seems more critical, the characters more fully fleshed out in my imagination than they often do once I'm actually reading.

The other thing is this hypercritical editor in my head. This editor hates everything, sees sentimentality in places where it should not be, finds cliche after cliche, and repetition in description. This internal editor is pretty damned ruthless, and I always hate to unleash her.

I've been through three full drafts of this novel. I have printed out a clean copy--all 523 pages (oh, the ink cartridges and reams of paper I have gone through). I would really like to be able to read this as a regular reader would, without a correcting pen in my right hand. But I seriously doubt that will be the case.  I have three days all alone--except for Sam cat--to do it, and boy, would it be nice to have a manuscript worth submitting once I get to the end of these three days.

The last two times I have read the pages through, I have marked all over them, and it's taken me five days each time to get from page one to the end. I  know from experience that there comes a time when a writer has to say to herself "ENOUGH! It will never be perfect." I re-read books of mine that have been published and find needling little things I would change if I could. But at this point in the writing process, I am nearing the time when I will tell myself this is the best I can do with this novel, and it will have to sink or swim on its own. (Another lousy cliche to mark out!)

Doubt is a writer's worst enemy. It is not easy to fight through the doubt that comes as a manuscript nears fruition. You wonder if you have moved your main character through enough for honest change. Have you tied up loose threads? What about antagonists? Are there enough? Is it OK to have a situation be the antagonist, as it is in this current book, and actually, in most of my books? And the ending: is it too smarmy? Does it leave the reader satisfied? Do I need to go on a bit longer? Do I need an epilogue? I know what happens to the characters after the book ends, but will my reader? Will they even care? Does any of it matter? Oh, for the love of doubt!

No matter what though, there has been great satisfaction in creating this novel. The characters have become like family to me. The setting and time period of the story are under my skin. There have been moments of total, magical immersion when the least thing outside my "book world" comes as a startling jolt: the doorbell, nightfall, the cat wanting his supper. And I am so lucky to have my little cottage on the coast. It has become my "ivory tower." I walk in and the juices start to flow. Exactly what I had hoped when we found it two years ago.

So after this phase comes what? I don't know yet. I have been out of the writing and publishing scene for so long, almost everyone has retired or forgotten about me. But it would be lovely to have another book to set on the shelf. We shall see if that is in the stars. If it's not, I will still be happy that I managed to finally finish this book.

Onward....